Inside Out

Wasted time, words in rhyme
Mean no more than patterned tiles
Random letters rearranged
Arbitrary files changed
At each effort truth awaits
Shaded in the towering gates
Sneering at a crude attempt
Laughing off the time well spent
Lighting fuses, burning lines,
Hasty, jaded, unrefined,
Prodding at a shaking mime
With jerky, sullen pantomime
Failing such complexities
As rocky mountains
Rustling trees
Tumultuous winds
And churning seas
Lost in even slightest breeze
Of circumspect uncertainties
There reclined with graceful ease
Chaotic, cruel reality is
Smirking right outside the door
That holds the feeling
“I know more
I know deeply
I know truth
I am closer now than youth”
He turns the lock
And swallows the key

I let the truth devour me
Tumbling down his chasmic throat
He hummed a lovely, charming note
And lost in melodies so sweet
I felt sincere and deep defeat
That I could never sing
A song as lovely charming sweet as this
Drowned in angels choral bliss
This clown began to reminisce 
On quiet nights beside the lake
And dewy morning's, brisk and pale
Caught in rising sunshine’s wake
My anger now began to fail
Defiant voice began to shake
And I was left in wondrous doubt
What I had thought I’d figured out
Was settled resting quietly
In lungs which now beguiled me
And I was tumbling
Lost and fumbling
Pulmonary plummet
Into heart of darkest red -

Wandering chambers churning calmly
Shattered now but yearning strongly
Pondering where a well said word
Could set my weary soul at rest;
I was wondering what could ease
This wretched aching in my… chest?
Retiring to the atrium 
I felt a pressure clench inside
Peculiar pain I let abide
When murmurs drifting through the air
Spoke a kind but muffled prayer
While silently I grasped at words
Which hardly tickled in my ear;
Caught the words which wafted
Through the air like auburn leaves in Fall
Treasured, though I strained
For I could hardly hear the words at all
Finally, I formed a continuity
And caught a phrase:

“Everything I’ve loved and felt and dreamed
Was born inside of you;
And though I’ve pained and struggled
And at times I have reviled you
I’ve always loved the breeze and sound
Of every great and heavy sigh
And I have basked in beauty every day
And I have wondered why
But I will never understand as deeply
As I know you do
Though part of me resents the fact
I cannot be as vast as you
I thank you now, for every bit of life
That you you have given me
And every treasured moment
And the deep and driving mystery...”

And as I listened, stationary,
Every faintly murmured line
Shouted like a trumpet
In forgotten canyons in mind
Slipped in every crevice
As I wrapped myself
Around the notion
While I scanned the lonely cavern
For a kindly strangers motion
Searched for solidarity
Where I had thought I’d been alone
Scrambled for companionship
Inside my new and empty home
But though I searched in every corner
Left no rock or stone unturned
I could not find the solemn speaker
For whose name I greatly yearned
While I looked now in confusion,
Hacking as my heart now burned,
Scratching, wheezing overtook me
Something lodged inside my throat;
Rasping, coughing, heavy retching,
Felt my neck began to bloat
Finally, I hurled the awful object
Far across the room
Recovering from the daze of fear,
Lightheadedness, and certain doom
I walked to see what strange affliction
I had thrown to yonder wall
To my surprise, I kneeled and saw
A handsome traveler, one inch tall
Who looked at me in rapturous awe
Then bowed and broke into a song:

“Hello world, source of all experience
And so all thought
I have climbed your greatest cliff
Which length and ending I knew not
Tossed by tempests turning from beneath me
Swept so swiftly up,
Now outside of you,
A possibility I did not know
I will now explore this vast and deep
And rich and dark unknown,
Thus is in my bravest truest heart
Though I have been your own
But I have a prayer for you
Which I have written just today
It is all my strongest feelings
For which I have longed to say
So I bring these words of praise:

Everything I’ve loved and felt and dreamed
Was born inside of you;
And though I’ve pained and struggled
And at times I have reviled you
I’ve always loved the breeze and sound
Of every great and heavy sigh
And I have basked in  beauty every day
And I have wondered why
But I will never understand as deeply
As I know you do
Though part of me resents the fact
I cannot be as vast as you
I thank you now, for every bit of life
That you you have given me
And every treasured moment
And the deep and driving mystery…”

There was a  thoughtful pause in which I waited
For the final words,
Caught a knowing glance 
And felt the thought which it had spurred

“You have given richness
Which has filled my dark and lonely heart
You have been my light in every moment
And now that we part,
I will carry you inside of me
To every place I go
I cannot understand your struggles,
But I think that you should know
You have filled a life with all it needs
To make it full and good
If you don’t know or sense your deep complexity,
Well, then, you should!
So my song is at an end
I have poured out every part
With these final words to you
I take my leave and now depart!”

Then he slipped into a crack
While I dived, sprawled on floor
Strained to see into the black
My mind racing, wanting more
Shouting in the little nook
“Stick around and talk awhile!
Were you in me all along?
Did light come in through my smile?
Can I hear again your song?
Exactly what did you revile?”
But he never did return
Though I called for near a day
Or it felt as I was lost
In bittersweet and sharp decay
Of questions which unfurled pain
And opened up a curious vein
And turned a languid turmoil
Into an introspective gain;
Rolling on my back I turned my eyes
To where I fell from grace
Looked upon the wall and found 
The crags and creases in it’s face
Traced a path where I could scale
To lungs where I had been before

Ascending in the darkness
My ambition now began to soar
Wrestling against comfort
I now dragged myself from on the floor
Ran my hands across the rough
And jagged crags now searching for
A footing, finally I pulled myself
From off the lowest ground
Felt the gentle pulsing of his heart
While my hands searched around
As I climbed the veiny tunnel
Long and dark and darker still
Darker than the darkest night
For not a star, but yet no chill
Warm as in the arms of loving friends
That kept my hope afloat
Grappling in the dark I strained, 
Precarious, my body shook
Arms as hooks which hoisted me
And strained with all my life and weight
Lost in claustrophobic lengths
Now caught in tight and choking space
Willed myself to worm my way
For there was nothing now behind
Only forward was there meaning
For which I now sought to find
In the distance, pinprick
like a beacon, or the only star
Knowing now an end in sight,
Though I did not know how far
Struggled in the capillary
Like to loose a tightened grip
Willed myself against the walls
And felt myself begin to slip
Dug myself in sharp and hard
And kept on slow but fierce ascent
Thought of my adventurous bard
And when my will was all but spent
Reached the light and peered above
To windy lungs where I had been
Lost in thought and purposeless
Now greeting tempest as a friend.

Scuttled out, collapsing, feeling
Gust of wind play with my hair
Felt the itch of rest, a siren’s song
A sweet and peaceful snare
Drifted into silence, closed my eyes,
And I was almost gone
But to my surprise
A quiet breeze turned to a tempest strong,
All the space contracting tightly 
Turning, churning air to gush
Unrestrained on windswept ground
And forced into relentless rush
Desperate claw for slightest crease
While freshly sprung from sweet release
Just as soon the air now settled
Calm and still as was before
When a heavy, crushing pressure
Down upon my frame now bore
Felt the ground expand and hollow
Felt the valley open wide
Caught a crest of calm and quiet
Realized I was in a tide
Grasped for nearest branch of breath,
And fastened body like a knot,
When the gusting force accosted
Held secure, my muscles taught
Turned my eyes to branching network
Spiraling above my head,
Establishing a rhythm though
ascending filled my mind with dread
Waited for a strain of still
And reached for first of higher limb,
Thought of my adventurous bard
My confidence began to brim;

As I climbed and clang with every breath
I glanced to higher ground
Set on spiraling path, now thick in canopy
and rustling sound
Guided by the light descending faintly
from his chasmic throat
Moonlight dancing on the leaves
And branches like a rippling pool
Ghostly luminescence which embroidered
Dancing sheets of night
Weary were my arms which dreamed
Of elevators, ease of flight
Weary was my mind which craved
The safety and repose of rest
Bearing every longing
Like a sinking weight set on my chest
Onward in the storm I pressed
Until I reached the aperture;

Barren were the walls which towered
Seemingly without an end
Perhaps it's rougher features lost
In looming lengths where they could blend
My rough hands were searching
For a surface which was rougher still
Finally I found a fracture
Which my callused fingers filled
Raised myself and scrambled
as I sought to find the highest ledge
When a heavy breath berated,
Fingers caught in slightest wedge
Kept a hurricane at bay
With my interphalangeal might
When the dragging weight subsided
I resumed the lonesome fight
Then, when exhalation funneled
Fierce beneath my dangling feet
Swept me like a petal upward
And when it began retreat
Left me floating, falling, grasping
At a wall devoid of texture
Desperately, removed my shirt
And caught it on hanging cragg
But it ripped, and digging fingers
Into rock, began to drag
And when skin was splitting
And in clinging I grew sore and weak
Slided, gritted, grated on the sandy stone
Which looked so sleek;
Then there came cacophony
Which rumbled as the walls constricted
Once again from lungs below,
From stormy depths I was uplifted
But it came in violent bursts
With inhalation like brief shards
Turning in the tumult thought of
Coughing up adventurous bard
And kicked and scratched and scraped
The walls, ascending in the giant's throat
Trying to create an itch
To call a cough to stay afloat
Rising now propelled in motion
As a bullet from a gun
Flying out of mouth and falling
Tumbling on the ground, now stunned...











… Turning out of daze
My clothing dampened by the dewy grass
Stretched and strained and mumbled
As I felt my pain begin to pass
Sat up slowly, bleary-eyed
So faint and weak but now aware
As I rolled my head and shoulders
In mid-tilt, I caught a stare
Giant's eyes like moons which peered 
From high above the patchy clouds
Glistening in the evening light
So faint and pale in wispy shroud
At it’s feet I stood my gaze now searching
Fond and knowing eyes
And to my surprise I spoke
And brought alive just kindling thought:

“Everything I’ve loved and felt and dreamed
Was born inside of you
And always like a window were my eyes,
I felt outside of you
And longingly I watched the morning rain
And quiet starry night
And the gentle rolling ocean waves
And soaring birds in flight
Lost in wordless beauty
Which held solace like a knowing friend
Wanting to reciprocate each gift
But knew not words to send
Trying to become a mirror or camera
Like a pure reflection
Always falling short with sketching
Scribbling, lacking your perfection
Feeling like a drifter
In a cultured and historic land
Not knowing the language
With a sorry and extended hand;

But I never once considered
All a me a part of you
I have met a friend whose warm regards
Have made me feel this true
I am like a bird or like a tree
Or like the ocean wide
When I speak, my words are feathers
Falling leaves and rippling tides
I can pollinate the world
With joy which you have given me
And one day, perhaps a blooming moment
Will be of my seed
Maybe someone listening
Caught a phrase which struck them deep inside
Maybe, unassuming grows to greater meaning
Late in life
Maybe it was simply charming
While they had their morning tea;
Part of you, your better half,
Is what I wish myself to be.

So I’ve poured out every part
Now my song is at an end
I will see you in the morning;
Wake me with the sun, my friend.”

……………………………………………………………………

If you’ve ever felt alone,
And if you’ve heard a charming note,
And if you’ve ever crawled and climbed
Your way out someone else’s throat,
You should know you’re of the world
And a world of your own
You are of the fabric
Yes, you sew and you are sewn
And you should sow the world
With the seeds of what you’d love to see
For from these seeds will spring the world
As you love and want to be.